People who say “hubba hubba”

No.

Driving somewhere I have never driven before

It’s just sheer terror. People are honking at me. I am just a girl. Google maps didn’t tell me to get over. You are right to be mad. Crucify me in the street, I deserve it, I hate me too.

The fact that if you stop doing something you get bad at it

Have you ever gone back to something you used to do a lot and were good at and now you suck at it? That is hell on earth.

People who use the phrase “maximizing efficiency”[1]

I don’t want to. I want to smell the flowers and pick at the grass. I want to sleep in and write a poem about it. I want to look out the window FOR A WHILE. I want to make myself a delicious meal and I want to eat it.

That I get a rash around my nose and mouth when I am stressed that looks like acne but isn’t

Self-explanatory

People that don’t find humor in bad art and therefore don’t understand that the humor re-elevates it back up to good art

This is about the Twilight franchise starring Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart. It is about the Fast and Furious Franchise. It is about Star Wars.

People who have problems with babies crying on planes

First of all, the babies are right—can you imagine flying as a baby? That would be terrifying, I would also cry. I know it’s annoying but so are you, grow up. That mom is doing her best. She can hear how loud it is too. Don’t be mean. We need babies and they need us.

Being cold

I would like to be sung as a bug in a rug all the time. Irate when those are not the conditions.

When people hide how into things they are

Most people are weirdly into something, and I think everyone should talk about it more. Everyone should be weirder. It’s nice.

When people have opinions about books they haven’t read

Don’t do this. Don’t listen to the pundits. Read the book. Or just don’t have an opinion about it! This, however, coincides with something that I LOVE and it is when someone is badmouthing a book (re: politics!) and I say “Have you read it” and they say “no” and I can say “Oh well I have and I think you are missing some really big points” (and they always are! Context matters!) truly there are very few things so satisfying. Pettiness is perfection!!

Times tables

I used to have actual nightmares about having to do times tables and as such, I still don’t know them which is not a joke. I have to seriously think every time something is multiplied by anything greater than 5. You are thinking, no, that can’t be right, Holly is, like, a reasonably intelligent person. No. I’m not. I am very good at 2 things (and one of them is just: reading). This is not on the list, did not make the cut. Times tables created feelings of terror, self-loathing, fright and flight in me which did not create super conducive to a learning environment. DO NOT ask me to do mental math under ANY circumstance.

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Being told I should love my body

But I don’t always? Sometimes my stomach hurts so bad for no reason? Or I have acne, should I love that? The body keeps keeping the score which is so freaking annoying. Forget!! Please!! I’m begging you!! My body and I sometimes have a combative relationship because it is me. Stop telling me how to feel about it!

When a website won’t automatically put in my credit card info when I am trying to buy something

Why do some webpages know it and some of them don’t. My credit card is across the room. My phone knows it. Come on.

Not being properly dressed for an activity

One time I was a freshman in college and a boy asked me on a date to go ice blocking and I didn’t know what that was but it sounded like an Outside Activity TM so I wore an old EFY t-shirt and gym shorts but turns out you don’t have to do that and I was SO embarrassed and anyway, I hate not wearing the right thing to an activity. Being super under or overdressed? Hate that. Or when you bring a jacket and then have to CARRY IT AROUND. Absolutely not. Kanye was wrong about a lot of things but he was right about that.

Flip flops

Not on me, not on anyone else. Why do you, as a man, have something between your toes? Absolutely not.

Death

No one I love can ever die—sorry! I think it is very lame and sad and I don’t think anyone I know should do it.

Going to Church

Look, taking the sacrament is so important and I am never gonna leave the old starship Zion or whatever but look. Church. It’s just. I don’t love it. Often boring! I have to wake up and get ready and I just don’t want to. I often do not feel Better, I feel actively Worse. This is mostly a me problem and an attitude problem, but I just don’t always feel like it! Sue me!

Disneyland

I walk through those gates and suddenly I am an anarchist and a communist.

This is My Fight Song, I Wanna See you Be Brave, That Kesha Song about how Proud of Herself She is, Those Girlboss P!nk songs

I cannot describe the gut wrenching, visceral feeling of disgust that I get. I think they are bad and bad art is simply not my brand of feminism. Good for them! Not for me.

Law school

Some knowledge is hard won. I don’t like it practically and I don’t like it philosophically. If you are considering it, do this one simple hack: don’t!

When people forget that celebrities are there to be full time entertainment, not “good” “people”

These people are not going to be beacons of morality, get over it. I don’t think they should do things that are illegal or anything but seriously, these are not good people, and they are not your friends. They have sold their souls to the devil. Plus, they are all theatre kids. I will not be getting my morality from them!

Moving

Every time I am horrified and embarrassed by how much stuff I have. Where did it all come from? Why do I own so many books? What is wrong with me? I should live out of two medium sized boxes like a lady.

Being in charge of my own schedule

If I get a lot done, I am like “this is so amazing, I am a god, no one has ever done as much as me, it was so easy, I am so incredible” and if I get nothing done, I am like “I am a piece of dirt and am worthless now.” I would like someone else to be accountable to thank you very much.

When Mormons blame God

In the immortal lines of Demi Lovato LEAVE HER ALONE GET A JOB. One time I was talking to someone about a trip I had planned and how I was going to see some friends at my destination, and they were like “Isn’t it amazing how God just plans these things out” and I was like my vacation? You think God was orchestrating how I was going to have a good vacation? I mean God can obviously do whatever he wants at whatever level, and we should be thankful yes, yes, but I think a lot of times he is like me? Why are you bringing me into this? I didn’t do that?

When You Made Fun of Something and It Turns Out It is Great

This is about Radiohead. Sorry everyone.

When a catchy song has unintelligible lyrics

This might be kind of niche, but my peak enjoyment of a song comes in the singing along after you already know the words, so when a song gets stuck in my head that I can’t understand the lyrics too? Incredibly annoying. Then I have to look up the lyrics like a NERD. I hate it.

People that don’t like the rat at the end of The Departed

The fact that it is too on the nose is the POINT

How Mormons get so caught up on the “one true church” thing that they dismiss when other churches use art to elevate their worship

This makes me IRATE are you saying you don’t like STAINED GLASS WINDOWS?? You can’t see how that would make someone think of heaven?? Oh, I didn’t know you HATED MOZART?? Or MICHELANGELO??? Grow up. We have the restored church, but we have drab, ugly church buildings and members who think that beauty can be bad. Truth at what cost I ask??